Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
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Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television