Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TEETH IS INNOCENT

Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.

What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, it just waved.

Sea what I did there?

I’m shore you did.

Laugh, you son of a beach!

[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.

The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them

The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.

Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.

If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.

[getting completely dominated in a street fight]

ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules

Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”

I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.

Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.

Mars: I have a boyfriend

[breaking up with a guy]

Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.

It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”

Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off

Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs

“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?

Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.

I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.

The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.

What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.

Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul

Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??

Cucumbers Anonymous