Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.

Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry

Harry: i’m a what

Hagrid: a blizzard

Harry: a what

Hagrid: a scissors

Harry: what

Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.

Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99

Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99

You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”

Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.

Tech support: *sigh*

Fine. Right click on your hamster…

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?

Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.

2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick

4: Water!

Me: Ask me nicely

4: Actually, I’ll get it myself

Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?

The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.

I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.

My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.

*walks into Apple store

“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”

*walks out of Apple store

Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.

A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.

I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.

Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.

Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway

Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?

Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.

2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.