Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
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With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”