Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video

Finally

There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.

My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less

“Where is the bathroom”

and a bit more

“She was dead when we got here”.

realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

Hawk o the mornin tuah

Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk

#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!

Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.

Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues

I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”

I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”

Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart

Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news

Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.

This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.

Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!

Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers

4:

Me:

4: Next time buy ones with candy in them

You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.

My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.

Voodoo map

You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.