Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
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My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
I would like even faster food.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve