Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.

I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today

wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.

Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days

Doormats are a gateway rug.

subtitles are so good nowadays

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts

I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.

I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again

I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!

[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on

Me: My computer broke

IT guy: What have you tried so far?

Me: Everything

IT guy:

Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing

I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.

I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers

I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.

[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.

Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.

My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.

“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old

Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you

[Social Media Addiction Club]

Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.

*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.

“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.

The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.