Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day in prison]

me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open

guard: what

[at daycare]

Me: I’m here to pick up my son

Daycare: what’s he look like?

Me: *points to my face*

D: oh. Ok

When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.

When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie

Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?

Me: can I go to the bathroom?

Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting

Me: so that’s a yes?

To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.

Friend: wyd

Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?

I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder

Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.

Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.

Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”

The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale

Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.

f*** a break up, have y’all ever had to chase your dog down the street and they’re thinking it’s a game.

I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.

You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.

[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.

Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone

workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them

1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.

My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.

*drops off box to Salvation Army*

“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”

*peels out*

Husband: where you off to?

Me: bathroom

Husband: you have to pee again?

Me: no, I gotta cough