Somebody stole my co worker money so I asked how much she said $100 but then I went in the bathroom and counted it shit was only $53
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Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
My whole life was a lie.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Please be aware that while my posts are largely based on true events, some have had squirrels added for dramatic purposes.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
