Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

Biden: Trump’s sons were nice

Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day

B: Uday and Qusay?

Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!

Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!

Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now

my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay

Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.

in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁

When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.

But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.

I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.

My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.

Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.

Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

Me: *never blinks again*

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.

Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again

There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.

*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs

*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*

7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?

Me: Here just use this Captain America

4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME

[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”

Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”

I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…

…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.

My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.

I hydrated. Surrender now.

I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.

#ChefDay #RubbishJokes

me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS

I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”