Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
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Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.