Somebody’s lying.
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me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
whenever i wake up before my alarm
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+