Somebody’s lying.
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Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.
At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
This story lives rent free in my head:
Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.
Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
