Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers

She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok

*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*

He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe

My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”

Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*

I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.

Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.

If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?

Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you

[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”

Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.

The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did

Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though

Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?

I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day

Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too

Son: *From the basement* WHEN

Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.

When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall

whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it

I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.

I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.

Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.

If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.

Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water

Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead

I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.

10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering

Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs

Me: How much funding do you need

women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals

Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…

Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?