Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.

My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.

You’re welcome.

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[later]

THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay

Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”

kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts

Judge: how does your client plead?

Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human

Captcha:

can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?

Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir

Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?

Wildebeest: 4,000

Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.

🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵

Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”

Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.

It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.

This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be

Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.

me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.

doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news

me: what’s the ambiguous news?

doctor: one of us is dying

Wife: please stop eating so much salt.

Me: why?

Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.

Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?

Wife: [pours more salt on my food].

adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert

Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell

Me: so I get to be the devil

Therapist: no absolutely no-

Me: Very cool

Therapist: wait but

Me: incredibly cool

Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.

Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.

If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.

Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs