Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect

The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.

I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”

My relationship with tea has always been strained.

Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?

My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.

The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear

My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.

customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames

Hank is one in a melon.

Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.

wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH

I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”

financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?

me:

[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up

[confessional]

me: father, gooey naan.

father: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.

Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?

Seen but not heard

“How much to go into this haunted house?”

“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”

“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”

Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong

I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …

Class: you want us to what

Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy

(watching Elijah Wood in lotr, maybe the best casting in the history of cinema) Well that’s certainly one take on the character

My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.

Thanks for following.

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.

I mean…but I did