Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: give me all the brisket you have

Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on

Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.

Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.

Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.

The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.

As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.

Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.

Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.

Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.

*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*

Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.

i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car

Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

New to Twitter cheat sheet:

AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else

It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.

ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons

i got 100% on my daughters assignment.

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.

GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.

Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.

There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.

Dating Profile:

List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.

The defense rests your honor.

*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*

Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”

I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.

I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.

just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??

passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture

incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED

Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.

I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political