Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
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Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
waiting for halloween be like:
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there