Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
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If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Golf would be better with landmines.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!