Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
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I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
I am, perchance
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.