Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
You Might Also Like
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
😭😭😭
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*