Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
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I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Mission: Impossible
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.
Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Women: When
are you leaving?Men: In the morning.
W: Yeah but what time.
M: Morningtime.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.