Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
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Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
LOL
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*