Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
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Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
