Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
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When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.