Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.

[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing

Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.

son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do

My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.

I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left

The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess

I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time

Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.

[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”

Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”

[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]

I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”

It’s 11:15 pm.

There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.

What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?

It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?

Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.

Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!

Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*

Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices

[being murdered]

Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*

Me: *becomes even more alive*

My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”

I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.

My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”

How’s your morning?

If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.