Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.

It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!

At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?

Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf

Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.

Me: What if the pig eats them?

Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.

pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:

con: loneliness

pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you

The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.

[field sobriety test]

cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop

flamingo: oh hell yeah

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder

being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey

you know what ruined my childhood? children

Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.

me: wow you sure are playing hard to get

after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you

cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town

me: but if you were, what bus would you take

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.

Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.

Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!

Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy

Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

Wife: hey take me out tonight.

Me: can it wait till tomorrow?

Wife: why?

Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns

very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses

If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun

I’ve never actually seen mistletoe in real life. It is an outdated tradition, or do people just take it down when they know I’m visiting?

wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?

me:

While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!

Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.

Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games

Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.

Me: …dare.