Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
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Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Safety first
Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Always 🥴
