Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
You Might Also Like
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!