Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.

My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.

I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.

And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.

Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.

[Cop flashes headlights behind me]

WIFE: I think he wants you to stop

ME: No I think he wants a street race

[A few minutes later]

ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda

My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room

Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook

So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.

If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night

I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”

These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them

Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?

– my brain at 2:00 am

To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.

*explosion walks away from me in slow motion

My circle of trust is a meatball

Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.

You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.

I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

me: so i have an attention deficit.

psychologist: yes.

me: so i need to get more attention

psychologist: no.

roman lesbians: *caesaring*

The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

*Usher and Lil John singing from the radio*: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!”

My 7yo: What’s this song called?

If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.

Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down

I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined

My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.

“I hope this email finds you well”

The email finding me