Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: I love animals, especially dogs

me: *I could really like him*

him: birds too

me: *he’s dead to me*

I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.

Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”

*crunching sounds*

Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]

I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.

I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.

If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.

Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.

Dog: Sure, go with that.

I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly

Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.

Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”

I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.

*toddler screaming in car seat*

Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.

Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on

academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you

One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.

just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀

Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?

I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me

anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after

“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”

That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name

“Donkey”

16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’

Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’

16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’

SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?

“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”

ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share

I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”

I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.

ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else

waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined

me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money

Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .