Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.

*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

Dear Abby,

My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”

Help!

Perplexed in Poughkeepsie

i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???

PSA:

Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends

Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”

…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.

After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.

Finally, an explanation.

What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?

An investigator.

if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them

Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

[first day as an art thief]

Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money

boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.

[pointing to a gravestone]

I’ll have what HE’S having!

My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.

if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up

My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.

Her: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?

Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.

Me: No oh 🙁

Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.

*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*

If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.

Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?

My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.