“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
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Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
And now we wait
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Attacked by a mop.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.