Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
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I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.