@mablazarus

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.

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@MissHavisham

“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”

@LoveNLunchmeat

Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.

@Sleinso

I am at my most drunk when I go from chat room to chat room yelling WHO STOLE MY POPTART!!

@squirrel74wkgn

[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee

@panmidwest

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

@T_Bonezzz_

STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET

1) PUT SHEET ON BED

2) FOLD BED

@SadPeruna

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?

@abbycohenwl

[Founding Fathers]
-But how do we get court witnesses 2 tell the truth?
-They swear on a bible?
-Thats stupid
-Hey lunch’s here
-Done[gavel]

@jake_lach

You think you have your anger issues under control until someone starts telling an important story while they’re chewing

@samuelhlowe

Asked my Ouija board if I was getting laid tonight & the pointer keeps gliding back & forth between the H & the A.

It’s been over an hour.