Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
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[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
The Backseat Boys
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.