Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
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Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it