Somedays I just love AI so much
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DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.