Somedays I just love AI so much
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[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Husband: Want to go for a run?
Me: You know I don’t run.
Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
There aren’t enough rap songs about cutting coupons.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*