Somedays I just love AI so much
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anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!
Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one. The dead body one
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
*calling 911 for the fifth time*
{breathing heavy & whispering} okay, the spider has just reached the ceiling
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Effort made
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
💯😂
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly