Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or

Ok but how old is your child in minutes?

We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.

[Christmas dinner]

Me [serving guests]: More ramen?

writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it

ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff

me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

[finishing last sip of wine]

waiter: would you like another glass?

me: no just refill this one

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day

[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Witness: I do.

Me: How do I look in these pants?

me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*

website: we need you to call for that

me: *calls*

phone message: we’re busy, use the website

me: screams into the void

the void: please use the website

[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree

If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.

Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.

Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.

I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.

Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.

My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.

ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?

“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”

Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.

Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.

Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.

Me: what word would you use?

Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before

Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb

Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*

me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]

My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.

Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back

Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something