Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
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If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
you stereotypes are all alike
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.