Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there

first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much

I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT

My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?

Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.

take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.

Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986

I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.

Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.

[coworkers chatting about me, to me]

cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰

im 7 sauces long

My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.

Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good

– Jack and the beans talk

no regrets

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”

Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…

He brews.

I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.

Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.

The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.

my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks

Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.

Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.

the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)

This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.

Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.

Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.

-me to my beer.