@John_M15

Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

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@brianbowman73

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

@_mindflakes

“Please stop misquoting me on Twitter,” said my boss. “It makes me sad because I am a large baby with a stupid haircut”

@rhysjamesy

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

@phalguy

How do Tie Fighter pilots see sideways?
How do Stormtroopers go to the bathroom?

*Star Wars thoughts that keep me awake at night.

@TheHyyyype

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

@travisauruss

Blood is thicker than water.
But maple syrup is thicker than blood.
So pancakes are more important than family.
I said it.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.

8-year-old: Who’s coming over?

Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.

8: But we already know we live like this.

@stephenjmolloy

Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”

@DurtMcHurtt

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

@Laser_Cat

If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.