Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
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BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.