Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
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“Please stop misquoting me on Twitter,” said my boss. “It makes me sad because I am a large baby with a stupid haircut”
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
How do Tie Fighter pilots see sideways?
How do Stormtroopers go to the bathroom?
*Star Wars thoughts that keep me awake at night.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Blood is thicker than water.
But maple syrup is thicker than blood.
So pancakes are more important than family.
I said it.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.