Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.

“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”

Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?

I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?

I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922

Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.

“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature

At the disco last night.

They played twist. I did the twist.

They played jump. I jumped.

They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.

In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French

My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.

MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.

If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!

Prosecutor: I object

Me: No, you a person

Judge: On what grounds?

Me: The courthouse grounds

Judge: I’m ordering you-

Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad

Judge: Bailiff, take him out

Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol

Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.

“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”

— Mark Twain

I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank

Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.

Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep

As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.

Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.

Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away

Did my cat write this

[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”

The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.

If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.

any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly

On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.