Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
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Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Golf would be better with landmines.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury