Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
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Watermelon Boss!
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Who chose this font
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.