Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
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My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
saying “no worries either way” when i am actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
The trick to keeping Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan is to take away their little brooms
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
According to WebMD, caffeine deficiency is a life threatening condition for people around you.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
My last name is Zilla.
#gardening
