Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
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My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
The three genders
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels