Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it

I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.

My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP

Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.

You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do

*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*

From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.

“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”

Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –

my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”

WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough

Buying my parents’ house.

Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…

I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.

My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.

My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.

My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.

Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.

Donkey I Shreked the Kids

*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*

Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.

I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.

Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink

Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.

My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.

When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.

Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor

“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”

-anyone on road trips with me

Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.