Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
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In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way