Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

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Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.


Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.


My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving


“A wine please”

“Sir, this is McDonalds…”

“Okay, a McWine please”


Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava


Commercial for Twitter dot com:

*man yells nonsense out his window*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?


Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.


[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.


dieting would be a lot easier if refrigerators startled you with front facing cameras from time to time