Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.

Well played, sir.

HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES

– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash

My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever

Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it

Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards

I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal

There was romance over dinner last night.

Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.

Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies

Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better

I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.

Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.

Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”

He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.

why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee

[inventing the boomerang]

OH SHIT, IT’S BACK

in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”

has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question

Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really

Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’

My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat

The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom

*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*

*dies*

Nigella has gone too far this time.

Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”

Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.

I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔

So, I turned it into wine.

Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]

My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same

If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.