*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
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[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
roses are red
i fall when i skate
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.