*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
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“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
That’s fair
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.