Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
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Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30