Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
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I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot