@Shot_Of_Cabo

Somehow stumbled upon a nude beach. .

Yeah, found myself in the middle of no wear.

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@chuuew

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

@TheFearBoners

When one door closes, another opens. Also, you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work. How do you know so little about doors?

@Sickayduh

Wife: Have u done anything today?

Me: Rode my bike on the back tire down the street

Wife: Wheelie?

Me: Yes, really, and cut the baby talk

@HeidiCF8

I licked 8 lollipops and sealed them in ziplocs during my stomach flu if anyone needs to lose 5lbs by the weekend.

@AmberTozer

Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing

@jpbrammer

“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????

@_davidsc

Rememeber when Uruguay fans got angry at Paul Dummett for injuring Suarez & then used Google Translate to insult him

@Jeffwni

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

@hyperblastchic

“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”

-how vodka was born