The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
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I feel it
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.