Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
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So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Ok who’s got my black socks?
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
this is 10/10 content no notes
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.