Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!

Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?

Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.

My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore

My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.

My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.

pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love

If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

*couple walking through the house they just bought*

Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!

Wife: Really?

H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.

*later*

Friend: Is there an attic?

Husband: No.

If you know, you know 😂🚔

11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?

Me: 12

11:

Me:

11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –

Me: choose your next words wisely.

Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.

Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.

My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.

Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.

*first date*

Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money

Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body

Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*

Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.

Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible

“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”

The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge

“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”

…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!

1st base: kissing

2nd base: petting

base 10: freaky math stuff

I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.

*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.

Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.

His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”

#FreeRocky

suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?

Me: Avocados.