Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
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the only bumper sticker ill allow
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
inside you are two wolves
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen