Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
You Might Also Like
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
It’s not a real Sylvester Stallone movie unless there’s ten minutes of dialogue in the beginning, five minutes at the end, and less than three sentences throughout the rest of the film.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.