Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.

pizza

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught

I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame

[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]

Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.

Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.

[34 mins. later]

Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*

Doctor: every time.

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.

We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.

Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain

Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.

Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing

Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!

Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*

Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?

Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?

Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.

I was living in the moment until I was evicted.

* 9 comes in from playing outside*

Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.

9: Ha, not messier than my room.

Me: What?

9: What?

My only stock options are chicken and beef.

Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning

Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.

Me: *picks up crock pot

How do you call a meerkat?

C’meerkat.

Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.

My apartment is a mess, I should move

People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together

Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.

Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.

“I love coffee”, she says while pouring half a gallon of creamer into her mug

[Swedish massage]

masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*

Cop: license and registration please.

Me: (gives cop both)

Cop: you drinking tonight?

Me: no.

Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.

One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.