Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.

Psychology says:

People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”

What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.

Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person

Me: ok

[Later]

Her: Hi!

Me: Hi you look uglier online

Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother

1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples

Wordle is trying to tell me something

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my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE

Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen

Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™

I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.

Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From

My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?

I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.

Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf

People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl

You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.

The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.

Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.

The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?

Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.

Yes 😂

If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or

Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist

You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up

[party city]

employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?

me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome

She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.

Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow