Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
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5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.