@curlycomedy

Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.

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@AKcrazy18

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

@guskenworthy

nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…

@BigRedKraut

I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.

@TheDreamGhoul

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

@PFitzpa

I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.

@BuckyIsotope

“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*

@bIessbaby

over 7 billion people in this world and u think I’m gonna chase someone who doesn’t even want me? hahaha

that’s exactly what I’m gonna do

@simoncholland

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.

@leyawn

richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn