Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
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Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?