Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
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me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Bloody internet 😳
screw you
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please