Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
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Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.