Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
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Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
umm…
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
October already? What’s next? November????
I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.