Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.

They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.

[first date]

him: what’s the one word that best describes you?

me: I’m acerbic

him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia

me: no it means I have a sharp tongue

him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

Springsteen: baby we were born to run

Springsadult: let’s just take a cab

“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”

-guy who invented ketchup packets

Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town

Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town

A:So quirky

C:Haha America’s sweetheart

PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em

Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

drunk god: land clouds

angel: those are sheep

Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.

[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”

That’s a stray gerbil.

“And those fish??”

…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM

Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.

Police officer: please step out of your vehicle

me: after this song, hold on

My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating

I hope I’m not overthinking this.

(six days later)

Nah I’m probably not.

If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.

hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees

I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.

“How do you sleep at night!”

Usually on my side facing the door.

“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”

Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.

My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.

My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.

In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????

Im out of cotton balls. 😒

Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”

Mine should be here in a few days.

I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.