Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.

“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping

If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.

Bread is a hell of a drug.

My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.

Her: Let’s play doctor.

Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.

MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-

ME: *slams on brakes*

Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest

goldfish mafia

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad

Me: add to cart

My therapist: no

uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…

When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?

Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs

Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…

It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.

You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.

ME: let me try a yo-yo trick

DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no

boy: WOLF!

villager: nope, that’s a coyote

boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me

villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars

I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends

Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter

friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too

Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.

realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history

[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”

JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?

ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct

WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.

[later at the dinner party]

ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?

date: are u a tender lover?

me: more of a dino nugget guy

School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money