Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
