Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
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Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.