Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
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My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
plant them where lol
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Sharon I have some bad news
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”