Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
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Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
barbara was highly relatable
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.